A Not-So-Happy Birthday

I was faced with a conundrum today.  Needless to say, there was fall-out.

I come from a very toxic family.  It took many years for me to recognize that and now, 7+ years into recognizing dysfunction, abuse, and other forms of toxicity, I still sometimes get sucked in by my family.  BUT the good news is that I have made tremendous changes and continue to improve with each passing day. 

This weekend was rough because in standing against toxicity I also hurt my nephew’s feelings and caused my my children to feel left out. That was ROUGH.  My nephew S was celebrating his 10th birthday with family today.  My children and I make it to every family birthday party, if we can.  With 6 nieces/nephews it makes for a busy year traveling back and forth between our home in Ohio and the Kentucky towns where my family reside. Sadly though S’s mom, my sister, couldn’t help but be herself, even for my nephew’s birthday.  I was faced with a tough choice, reward her behavior by smiling through the insults, etc so that we can be there for my nephew’s party… my children getting a first row seat to the ongoing saga that is my family, OR keep my word that I won’t participate in their toxicity, tell my nephew happy birthday, grab the kids and head home… I chose to keep my promise to myself and my children, grabbing our bags, piling in the car, and driving home before the party started. 

In doing this I’m left with mixed emotions.  Both of my children have come to me on their own, at different times, and said that they are proud of me for leaving and not partaking in A’s attempts at control and manipulation, that they understand why we didn’t stay, but both also have said that they wish they could have spent time with their cousin for his birthday and that they don’t understand why things like this happen with my family.   My nephew also called, in tears, wondering where his cousins were. 

I am the only one in my family that has recognized and made strides to leave a life of abuse and toxicity behind.  I work every day to recognize toxic habits and encourage healthy ones.  I do all I can to maintain a healthy household for my children and I, but its not always easy.  Today is one of those days. 

I can’t help but wonder if this will get any easier.  I’ve done a fairly decent job of things when it comes to my life with my children, its only when my family is involved that I really struggle.  I know this is due to emotional ties, my desire for the healthy family I’ve never had but always wanted and the glaring inability for it to be healthy.  I recognize that they will all have to come to terms with the status of our family on their own, if it ever happens, and make changes within themselves, in their own way… its just very frustrating to want what could be so badly and know that it can’t happen right now, if ever.  And the impact that it has on my children, and my sisters children, truly upsets me.  I hope that one day the toxic nature of my family can be neutralized and that a healthier alternative can be found… until then I’ll keep my bags ready to go back to the car any time I am down for a visit.

~ by mina75 on August 30, 2009.